Something enkindles the embers within my mind lately. I feel like I’m fighting myself. Trying to figure out if it’s all worth it.
Do you ever feel like you’re watching your life as if you’re watching a movie? Out of touch with reality. Out of touch with yourself. As if you don’t exist. Your thoughts are the narration. Your actions the stage instructions. But you, yourself, do not exist. Your emotions exist. They’re very VERY real, but you cannot control them. Everything you do feels out of your realm of control, but you know you have the power to decide. That’s the worst part of it all. The guilt and regret of knowing that you shouldn’t have said that one nasty comment to your mom, of knowing you should have changed that answer on the test, of knowing that you
could have should have chosen to see the silver lining in your day. But you couldn’t do it. You can’t do it. There’s something/(someone?) within me you stopping you from being happy. No…not happy. Wrong word. Happiness is a little too diluted of a concept. There’s something stopping me from being content with my life.
Eventually, the guilt turns into a feeling of responsibility, which turns into a period of reform in your life, which turns into a period of psychosis, which turns into permanent anxiety, which makes you numb, which makes you out of touch with reality, which makes you feel guilty, etc. etc. etc. It’s the circle of
Death is an arduous concept to fathom. Why them and not me? If they lived their life so admirably then why are they being punished with the most severe consequence of all? It’s hard to understand it all. Perhaps we weren’t meant to understand it, but it seems like a punishment for humanity to be left with so many unanswered questions.
You may be wondering: why is she writing about guilt and death? that’s a little weird. creepy even. No, I’m not a necromaniac. Not even nine months ago, an uncle of mine was diagnosed with cancer. Within that time period, it has ravaged his body. Within the last week he was placed on hospice care. And within the past few days, his cancer metastasized into a monster that has taken a presiding residence over his consciousness. This isn’t an grumpy old uncle or anything either, guys. He went to church his whole life, owned a bank, owned a carwash, grew up on a farm, still worked on a farm, married a great wife, and had three really awesome kids. He’s got two kids in college and a kid still in high school. That younger kid, being one of my best friends in the whole wide world, means a lot to me. I wish I could just go up and hug her and tell her it’s going to be alright but I can’t. Distance isn’t the only thing stopping me from paying my dues; I can’t promise that everything will work itself out. I can’t promise anyone anything, but I can say this: no matter how hard it gets and now matter how much you want to give up, I’m here. I may not be able to make things the way they were, but I can try my best to bring light to dark situations.
As much as it saddens me to deal with death, it does open my cynical eyes to the good things within my own life. I’m not trying to discount anyone’s feelings, but if it was your last day living on Earth, would you really want to spend it guilt-ridden and through a forged reality? Of course not. Open your eyes. Open your mind. Love thy neighbor. Take advantage of what life gives you. You never know when everything you thought you knew, everything you dared to assume was going to continue the next day, will end.
I love you all.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”